How to 'Not Accept That Shit', a campfire story
Not to toot my own horn, but as someone who is conventionally attractive, charismatic, and deliberately goes out of her way to meet new people and make new friends--I find that there are a lot of people out there who will try to hurt you. Not even just passively, but actively.
Recently I have cut someone out of my life who's been wedged in there since I was about 12. And when I say recent--fuck, I mean recent. Like, a few weeks ago recent. I haven't entirely cut him out, but, y'know, I've made it clear he is not my friend. I don't think he's been my friend for a long time, but I officially am done with his BS. He is present in many aspects of my life, due to school and stuff, but in about 15 months, I never have to see him again. But this weird, vague closeness has made me start evaluating him a lot over the past little while.
He's extraordinarily charismatic. He's always had that kind of swagger. Even if we personally have issues, no one can deny that he has this kind of radiance about him. He knows how to have a good time, and if he likes you, he will do anything in his power to try to get you to chill with him and like him. Even if it means putting other people down.
This is, unfortunately, the dark side of many charismatic surfer blond boys around town. If you are extroverted and pretty, like me, they flock to you like you are a shining gold statue.
Well, said boy had a little stinkin' crush on me, that lasted about 3 years. Eventually, when he confessed to me, I was so drunk that I didn't even know what to say. I just bumbled and fucked around and told him I'd let him know.
I told him no the next day.
Well, of course, he had to also do it while my childhood online best friend was visiting. And the poor girl had to hold him in her arms as he cried... Right in front of me.
I got my mum to kick him out the house.
Thankfully, she offered to drive him to the train, something I wouldn't've done, but hey, she's better than I am. Plus, it was less suspicious. Good on ya mama!
Anyway: he was crushed. Totally devastated. In all fairness, we were 14-15, and it probably felt like the world was falling apart for him. This sweet, nerdy girl, the one who had stayed with him in all of his friend groups... The one, who, I dunno, had expressed feelings for another guy at the time, did not like him back. Whoops! What do we do now?
Well, apparently he cried. A lot. About me. Constantly! One of my absolutely amazing friends Charles told me how he just wah-wah-wah'ed about me. Then after that, he went on a total rampage about how he didn't need me. He ended up, very quickly, in a relationship with a girl who was very mentally ill. As you could expect, it didn't end well.
So... Now we're about a year after the confession. I am totally mega depressed for completely unrelated reasons. We're friends, I guess? We play music together. That's the best way I could've described it to you. Y'know, I go to his house, I get on his (incredibly shitty) drumkit, I play with him and his other bumpy friends. Then I go home and do nothing. I was real depressed, m'kay?
He sees this: from the way I play, to the way I talk, I'm such a Debbie fuckin' Downer. Anyways, imagine yourself in his place. A girl who you loved is depressed. Maybe you don't love her that much anymore, and you've gotten over her, but you're still friends. What would you do?
...I'm assuming you wouldn't bully her for it, tease her, and hit her where it hurts the most.
At the time, I thought it was just jokes, but if theres one thing I've learned about men, it's that they will always reveal the most about how they feel about you through "jokes". But I take it. Why do I take it? Well, first, he's been my friend for a long time. And neither of us are great with feelings! Maybe he just doesn't know how upset it makes me. Even though I'd told him how words got to me, he's just a guy. But also--and this is going to sound shallow--he, in my eyes, was pretty popular. If I go and berate him for it, I'll lose a friend, and he'll potentially spread the word about me. And I'll get even more bullied and lose even more friends! Nooo!
It broke my little 15 year old heart to let him keep letting loose on me. But I let him do it. I kept up a front and I joked alongside him. At the end of the day, I had far worse things to be worrying about than his silly little jabs. Sure, they put salt on the wound, but I'm not about to get myself into another situation that could harm me further. I needed to keep up that image, bro. E3 style
Fast forward to about a month ago. I hear that he was at a party, and leaned in a whopping THREE TIMES to kiss a drunk girl, which she promptly leaned back from, and then when she was stopped to smile for a picture, he kissed her. WHAT! Crazy information. My informants give me all the deets I need.
I roll these thoughts over in my head, over and over and over... Everything starts coming back to me. The fat jokes he made when I was falling into disordered eating habits. The jokes he'd make about my insecurities. The way that someone had told me, offhandedly, that no one in our year really likes him, because he's so mean to everybody.
It hit me. This guy is a douche. Why on Gods green earth am I accepting so much shit from this ferret-faced twerp who is barely my height? He's, frankly, nowhere near my level. Why am I associating with him?
Now, for this next part, I will admit for a THIRD time here that what I did may have been a little shallow. But hey, compared to non-consensually kissing drunk girls at parties, and trying to confess to a little drunk me, I'm starting to lose my moral compass for this guy.
I get one of my BFFs Charles and this wonderful, BEAUTIFUL girl named Codi to all listen on FaceTime on my iPad as I call this man on my iPhone on Instagram. Fucking crazy right? I needed my backups... So I'm talking, and he's denying everything. Even though I had contacted several people at this point to confirm. He's known as a total creep!
He denies, denies, denies. I say whatever. At this point, it's getting late at night, and my wonderful coup is telling me to wrap it up. He laughs. "What?" I attest. "Your fuckin' story, you're so ugly."
BANG. Immediately my friends gasp like you've never seen before. My eyes widen and my heart starts pumping. What the fuck? Like this guy can tell me that! I'd post his face for reference, but yeesh, I wouldn't want him to do that to me, so... Unfortunately, won't be doing that. But, God, you should really see the state of him.
I tell him goodnight. He goes, "Aww, you're all mad at me!" Like I'd done something wrong. I tell him to stop jacking off, and I hang up on him. He proceeds to send me Reels, messages, texts... I leave him on opened. Just to sprinkle in a little power play.
I was so mad that the same night, I followed my mum along to watch a surgery. Just to get my mind off of things. His attack didn't even hit me at that point, I was just mad at the fact that I let myself deal with all of these words up to this point, and the fact that he thought that was okay to say to me, because he's so insecure that I was calling him out for doing something objectively questionable.
...How do I start recognising shit before it gets to this point?
Something so poignant I've learnt over the past year or two, is that so many people want to hurt you. Just for being you! People will deliberately go out of their way to hurt you. They're jealous of your beauty, your success, your friends, your life. They don't want to be friends with you--they wanna be you. But they can never be you.
You will sit in bed, thinking late at night, about what you could've done that hurt them so bad, that made them hate you. The fact of the matter is, is that they'll never match you on any of your levels, so they have to bring you down to their level.
You. Never. Fucking. Accept. It.
You are always going to be you. You should be the best you. You're gonna have moments in your life where you'll be as depressed as I was. I was so lost.
I keep a poster above my bed that reads: "Even at my worst, I'm fucking incredible." I try to read that everyday. I try to remind my friends and my inner circle as much as possible that I appreciate them, and they're all strong and beautiful human beings. I hope they know that, and I hope you know that.
Don't ever take shit from a blond surfer boy. They will try to fuck you but then fuck you over 🤦